A little over a month and a half after my wedding in November 2012- I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, shocked, surprised, overjoyed that it had happened so soon. I have heard of people trying for months, years, and even longer- so it seemed quick but I was ecstatic. We quickly starting talking about it and planned the day to tell my parents. Finally I told them and went to the Doctor and started on the journey. Things began to change and I felt as if my baby was doing well. At my 12 week appointment I found out that was not the case. I had lost my first sweet baby at 10 1/2 weeks old. This was the hardest day of my life. Seeing my baby on the monitor and knowing I would not meet him or her was devastating. I quickly was scheduled for my first DNC for the very next day. The sadness from that day continued on for a long time. People told me that it was part of God's will and I needed to give it to Him- but it was so very hard- and I was so bitter. I would look at the ultrasound pictures of my sweet baby from time to time and just cry. I didnt understand but knew I had to let go. I knew my baby was in a better place and that heaven's angels were surrounding them with love and affection and that gave me some comfort.
Later in the summer of 2013 we decided to try again and I quickly got pregnant again. After just about a week and a half of knowing I had concieved I started to spot. I immediately could tell something was wrong. My husband tried to comfort me and convince me all would be alright but I knew that it wasnt. The symptoms got worse and worse and I knew I was in the midst of losing my second baby. It was so hard to experience my little one leaving my body and knowing there was nothing that I could do. I knew after this happened that I needed a break and we decided to hold off for awhile and let my body heal.
Most recently, on December 28th of 2013 I found out I was once again expecting. I was filled with excitement of course- but also a lot fear and doubt but my doctor suspected all would be okay. I swore I wouldn't go to the doctor until 12 weeks because I didnt want to meet my baby and be disappointed-but quickly changed my mind and went in at 8 weeks. That day I actually had a bit of a scare and was nervous to go in. I called Jake. Called my dad. Called my mom. I started to freak out. I was challenged by my dad to trust in God and trust that He had it under control. I started to read verses about trust before I went into my appointment that day. I had moments where I felt secure and moments where I wasnt sure. When I made it into the ultrasound room I told the doctor I was very nervous I was losing the baby and he quickly checked and found a heartbeat. He assured me that everything was okay. This day was so significant for me. I was starting to learn that the only way I was going to enjoy these next months of pregnancy was to start trusting in God. I was challenged by my dad to stop saying "if I have this baby" or "if things work out". I had to place the situation in God's hands becasue only He can control the outcome. Each appointment I have went to so far has been very nerve wrecking and hard, but God keeps telling me to trust Him regardless of the circumstances and I am working on doing just that. It is a daily struggle, but He is faithful. I pray that God has his hand on this baby daily, I pray for his guidance, and I pray for any of you that have/are going through loss. He loves you where you are at- even if it seems as if He has forgotten about you. He has a purpose in what He is doing in your life. He has his Hand over your life- just let Him be your guide and try to trust He has a greater plan.
Today I am half way through my 15th week. I am learning to lean on the giver of life and praying He has his hand over myself and baby Gilbert. I think of my babies in heaven often and know they are being taken care of and loved in such a beautiful way and that gives me so much joy. I hope that me sharing my heart has helped one person out there. I hope that it gives you hope, that it challenges you to trust in God, and that in some way this life experience can minister to you.
